Friendship. If you won’t lay it on the line for your friends, who will you lay it on the line for?
We’re sometimes not too sure how we get into good friendships. It seems to happen rather mysteriously: we talk of somewhat randomly “clicking” with people. Trying to plan for it sounds like cheating. There's something at the heart of many friendships that seems important to identify and –in a way– to get good at: vulnerability.
Vulnerability is a Strength
"Vulnerability is not weakness. And that myth is profoundly dangerous."The best part of being human is being able to connect with other humans. We’re hardwired for it. We live in tribes and families, work in groups, love as couples and thrive in friendships. The drive to connect is in all of us whether we acknowledge it or not.
Yet, we’re seeing more loneliness, more depression, more broken relationships, more disconnection. What’s happening?
Vulnerability is the driving force of connection. It’s brave. It’s tender. It’s impossible to connect without it.
But we’ve turned it into a weakness.
The more we get close to someone, the more we find ourselves able to depart from the official story of what human beings are like, and we can start to show the awkward truths which underlie the cheerful facade. These are the truths with which we have been lonely for too long.
Vulnerability is sharing yourself at your lowest. Establishing relationships that allow you to get on the phone and just weep if you need to weep. Keeping it all in is like having emotional acid reflux. The hurt and pain are trying to come up, but you won't let it. Even though no one else can see what's gurgling below the surface; it's still burning you... it's still there. Sometimes you just need to throw it up. Call a friend and say "I need you", "I'm scared", "Can I come over?". Be a safe place to land and allow trusted allies to hold you up when everything is falling down. This is friendship.
So, we've established that vulnerability is needed to begin relationships, but it’s also necessary to maintain them. We have to be willing to share the love with each other. Listen, we're not saying you need to write love letters to each other. We're saying be open to receiving and giving love. Say words like, “thank you”, “I love you”, “I appreciate you”, “thank you for listening to me”.
Your feelings are your responsibility. If you want other people to honour them, you have to share them.
Friendships often end because a line was crossed or someone’s feelings were repeatedly hurt without acknowledgement. But if you haven’t confronted the person regarding offensive behaviour how can you expect them to improve? What’s acceptable for someone else might not always be acceptable for you. It is not 'petty' or 'weak' to express disappointment or hurt to a friend. They probably have no idea that they hurt your feelings or the extent to which they hurt them. You need to be able to say, “can we talk?”, “My feelings were hurt when…”, “I really didn’t like when you”, “Can you help me understand why?”.
Being loved and loving requires giving little pieces of yourself. If the relationship is worthy; the other person will always return those pieces back to you and they’ll leave little pieces of themselves with you.
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